Inferiority Complex
Pissing in a urinal. A man next standing next to me, pissing in another urinal. His piss-stream sounds so strong. It makes me feel inferior.
Something personal…
I knew this dude when we were kids…
We were maybe 14 or 15.
His girlfriend was heading off to a foreign country on a mission trip. Before leaving, she asked him to send her something personal while she was away.
So this friend decides that he’ll send her something really, really personal.
Pubes.
Yeah.
A ziploc bag full of his pubes.
She received the pubes in the mail.
And I think she sent him a letter, telling him that it was over.
I felt bad for my friend, but I think she had just cause.
rumor has it that god may be calling her to run for president
i really sometimes wish that i could be super religious. i think they are actually retarded. both just seem so happy. it would be so great to just depend on god for everything (or my parents if i was retarded).
a friend.
And I have this other friend…
who used to love to go into public restrooms, peer through the cracks in the door, and watch his friends take a shit. He didn’t do this because he actually liked watching dudes take a shit, no. He just loved making people feel uncomfortable. It’s one of the funniest things in the world to witness, until it happens to you.
Then it’s not so funny.
I have this friend…
who’s starting to look like a skinnier version of Ron Jeremy. It’s mostly the hair, and it’s pretty fucking disturbing.
"(lesbians like cats)"
Friend:
i just did a lame quiz of "who are your best friends" based on facebook and your name showed up as "the partier"
Me:
what?
Friend:
some stupid facebot quiz
Me:
fucking fb
Friend:
it picks your five best friends
Me:
it's a pile of shit
Friend:
it said that my h.s boyfriend was my drinking buddy?
Friend:
the one whos mom has a penis
Me:
ha!
Me:
that guy again...
Friend:
i told your our first date was going to planned parenthood?
Me:
no
Friend:
and like fighting off operation rescue
Me:
are you serious?
Me:
jesus
Friend:
but when i went to his house his mom was sitting on the couch
Friend:
with like 5 cats
Friend:
(lesbians like cats)
Friend:
and she was wearing leather pants
Friend:
and smoking a joint
Friend:
sort of just staring at me
Me:
was her dick hanging out?
Friend:
ahhaah
Friend:
no
Friend:
worse
Me:
oh man...
Friend:
then she got up to get me something to drink
Friend:
and they were leather chaps
Friend:
without the pants
Me:
so you saw a goatse?
Friend:
this was like in the middle of the afternoon
Friend:
hhahaha
Friend:
no
Friend:
man she was/is so scary
Me:
what the fuck did you think of all that?
Me:
i mean, that would have been my first and last date
Friend:
sort of like
Friend:
"uh. okay. whatevs"
Friend:
"lets go to planned parenthood"
Me:
what the fuck were you doing at planned parenthood?
Friend:
you have to understand that one of my babysitters was a trans gendered dude named "rain house"
Me:
what?
Me:
are you making this shit up?
Me:
this can't be real...seriously
Friend:
i swear on my child's heart and soul
“or do I keep going?”
A story relayed to me many years ago…
“Walking back from class, we watched as the only gnome on campus slipped on the ice and landed on her back. When she hit the ground, ________ said “whoooooaaaaa…” I was ahead of them when this happened, so I turned around to see what the fuck was going on. When I looked back, I saw ________ standing over the top of the gnome as she spun like a top on the ice. I kept walking, trying to contain my laughter, figuring ________ would help her up. When ________ caught up to me, he said “all I could think was, do I stop to help her, or do I keep going? I just kept going and now I feel bad.” I laughed my ass off just thinking about the moral dilemma that he faced, and laughed harder that he chose to not help her up.”
